This is A Naruto Fanfic
by Dr-J33
Summary: A Naruto story by someone who doesn't watch Naruto. Don't take this thing seriously.
Naruto was ninjaing his way through the hidden leaf village when he spotted Sakura shopping for clothes.

"Oh hello Sakura, what are you doing here?" Asked Naruto.

"Shopping for clothes." Sakura replied. "Seriously did you not hear what the narrator just said?"

"The what?"

Just then Guy sensei wheeled in in his wheelchair and stopped in front of the two.

"Hey guys Pain is doing some evil stuff and you need to stop him." Said Guy.

"But isn't Pain dead?" Asked Naruto.

"Well him and orochimaru the only Naruto villains the author knows." Said Guy. "Just kick his ass or something, this isn't even canon its a fanfiction."

Guy then wheelchaired up the side of a building into the sky where he rejoined his kind in space but not really he just wheeled himself into a nearby bar.

"Sakura we need to stop Pain!"

"I have some pills for that." Said Sakura.

Naruto glared at Sakura as Kiba rode by on his dog and made dog sounds.

"Lets just do this."

They ninjaed their way through town and found Pain fighting against Shikamaru's team.

"Hey." Said Pain.

"Pain how are you still alive!?" Demanded Naruto.

"Magic."

"Well I'm going to defeat you for good this time!" Said Naruto.

"Ok."

"Why is he only saying one word per sentence?" Asked Sakura.

"Because Troy Baker is expensive, so we have to ration out Pain's dialouge." Said Ino.

"Oh."

"Die." Said Pain.

Pain kicked Choji in the groin, inflicting alot of PAIN onto him.

"Ow the PAIN!" Said Choji as he fell onto the ground, finishing three bags of chips as he did so.

Choji fell and Shikamaru glared at Pain.

"Choji I will avenge you." Said Shimamari.

"No." Said Pain.

"I'll beat him with my chakra!" Said Sakura.

Sakura threw a basketball with the words chakra written on it in harpie at Pain, missing him completely and ending up hitting Ino in the face.

"Ow!"

"Lame." Said Pain.

"Oh *SGDBD* YOU PAIN!"

Shimamaru used his shadow jutsu to restrain Pain but he was too op to be caught and instead casually walked over to Ino.

"Hurt?"

"A bit." Said Ino.

"Good."

Pain punched her in the face, knocking her out and leaving only Shikamaru and the main characters to fight.

"We can do this!" Said Naruto. "We outnumb-"

"Actually I'm going to hang out with my girlfriend so goodbye." said Shikamaru "Also I'm taking my friends."

Shikamaru dragged his friends away as Naruto groaned.

"Wait didn't we have a third teammate?" Asked Sakura. "One with black hair and an unsocial attitude."

"But Sasuke isn't here." Said Naruto.

"No the other one."

"Oh Sai, where is he?"

"I was here the entire time." Said Sai who was there the entire time.

"Quick send your fanart to attack him."

"Ok."

Sai drew a knife, not like that he literally drew. Knife. And it was a pretty nice looking knife too, very realistic.

"Cool." Said Pain.

"Deviantart attack." Said Sai, taking out a laptop.

Sai opened his laptop and sent the entirety of his deviant art account at Pain.

"Weak."

Pain punched the fanart away and walked over to Sai, picking him up.

"Bye."

Pain threw Sai out of the story where he broke the dimensional barrier and ended up in one of my Assassination classroom famfics. Get out of there Sai you don't belong.

"Oh no not our bootleg emo!" Said Sakura. "How will we ever defeat Pain now!?"

Just then Hinata ninjaed in and got into a fighting stance.

"I'll protect you Naruto!" Said Hinata.

"Didn't you loose the last time we fought Pain?" Asked Sakura.

"But I'm much stronger now." Said Hinata. "I can do a whole five push-ups!"

"..."

"Okay three."

"Hey."

"BEHOLD MY SECRET TECHNIQUE!"

"Hinata walked over to Pain.

"Where?"

Hinata quickly pulled out an out of place handgun and shot Pain to death.

"Ow."

Pain went limp as Hinata put her weapon away.

"So am I strong enough to be your waifu yet?" Asked Hinata.

"I'm straight." Said Sakura.

"NOT YOU NARUTO! THE ONE I LOVE AND WISH TO MARRY HOW ABOUT IT NARUTO!?"

"Did you say something? I missed it." Said Naruto,

"... Never mind." Said Hinata sadly.

"So now that Pain is dead lets get some Ramen!" Said Naruto. "Because its all I ever eat."

"Not dead." Said Pain.

"Dead people can't talk." Said Naruto.

"Sorry."

"Anyways Ramen!"

"Not so fast!"

Guy sensei wheeled himself in.

"Theres another bad guy doing bad things that we need you to stop." Said Guy. "I need the four of you to complete this mission fast."

"Alright." Said Sai who was there the entire time.

"Okay lets go stop the bad guy." Said Naruto.

"Great we can take my car." Said Guy.

"You have a car?" Asked Sakura.

"Cars exist?" Asked Hinata.

"Well there was that robot-" began Sai.

"NO! THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Said Naruto.

* * *

So they all got into Guy's car only for guy to realize that he can't drive in a wheelchair so Hinata had to be the driver. Unfortunately her only driving experience was in Mario Kart so she threw things at any passing individuals, ran through every box in sight, and gave death stares to everybody. When they arrived a ninja with an evil looking afro was robbing a bank with a kuni.

"Don't make me pull the trigger." Said Theres Another Bad Guy

"Stop right there!" Said Naruto. "Thats illegal!"

"Do you think you can honestly defeat me?" Asked Theres Another Bad Guy. "You are up against the master of the Super Fly Hair jutsu."

"We'll see how tough you are after this !" Shouted Naruto. Naruto attempted to Rasengun Theres Another Bad Guy, only for his afro to sprout wings and dodge the attack by flying into the air.

"SUPER FLY HAIR JUTSU!"

"Oh no he's flying!" Shouted Hinata.

"Who knows what else he's capable of." Said Sai.

"Actually this is all it can do." Said Theres Another Bad Guy. "I mean I could throw this kunai at you but its my only one."

"How will we ever get him down?" Asked Naruto.

"We could throw a rock." Sugested Sakura.

Naruto shrugged and walked over to Rock lee, who was chatting with Tenten and her twin sister ninenine, picked him up and threw him at Theres Another Bad Guy.

"I CAN FLY!" Shouted Rock lee.

Rock Lee collided with that villain with the long name, knocking him out of the sky while Rock lee continued to fly through the air until he got bored and went home.

As Theres Another Bad Guy fell Sasuke jumped in front of him and ran his blade of pure angst through him.

"My family is dead." Said Sasuke.

"Funny, so am I."

He died as everyone looked at Sasuke.

"Sasuke your back!" Shouted Naruto. "I thought you were off being emo somewhere!"

"I forgot my car keys." Said Sasuke. "Also I wanted to see you again Naruto."

Sasuke blushed and looked away from Naruto because he was tsundere in addition to emo.

"God don't make it gay Sasuke." Said Naruto.

"YES MAKE IT VERY GAY!" Screamed the fangirls.

Hinata walked over to Sasuke and leaned close to his ear, whispering something into it.

"Stay away from my man or I'll rip your eyes out of their sockets and replace them with grapes. " she whispered.

"Oh cool I love grapes." Said Sasuke.

"And I love Sasuke." Said Sakura.

"Nobody cares." Said Kakashi as he walked in, reading a copy of Consumer's digest.

"Kakashi where have you been?" Asked Naruto.

"In a better fanfic." He replied.

"Ouch burn." Said Sai.

"So congratulations on saving the day." Said Kakahi. "Now I need you to complete a very important mission for me."

"Y-yeah sensei?"

"I need you."

"Uhhuh?"

"To go."

"Yes sensei!?"

"Jump off a cliff."

A laser blade suddenly protruded from Kakahi's chest, killing him.

"God damn it!"

He fell over dead as Pain stood behind him, holding a light saber.

"Pain we killed you!" Shouted Sakura.

"Actually I wasn't dead, i said it myself." Said Pain.

"Oh god that was more than three words!" Shouted Naruto

"We can't afford that much Troy Baker!" Shouted Sakura. "One of us has to be cut to make the expenses!"

Sai vanished into thin air.

"Okay that'll work." Said Sakura.

"I'm going to beat you for good!" Said Natuto as he conjured a lightsaber shaped rasengun.

"Me too." Said Sasuke, readying his angst saber.

Pain pressed a button on his lightsaber, causing crossguards to activate.

"Oops."

Pain pressed a different button, deactivating the crossguard and activating a blade at the bottom of the lightsaber.

"Better."

Hinata pulled out a boombox and started playing duel of fates.

"I swear I've seen this scenario before..." Muttered Sakura.

Naruto and Sasuke lightsabered with Pain for awhile until Pain cut their arms off. What were you expecting an elaborate sword fight? No, its like 11:40 at night and I have class at 9 tomorrow, I don't got time for this.

"Gah my hand!" Shouted Sasuke.

"I'm in alot of PAIN right now!" Added Naruto.

"Good." Said Pain.

Suddenly Hinata took out mecha naruto's hand and tossed it to Naruto.

"Use this!"

"But Its so stupid!" Said Naruto. "And it smells!"

"Look I'll buy you another one later!" Said Sasuke. "Just put on the goddamn robot arm!"

"Fine..."

Naruto attached his new robo arm and wiggled his fingers, followed by a desire to wear more black.

"I should make my Rassengun green." Naruto thought to himself.

"So do I get a cool Robo arm or-"

"I only had the one arm." Lied Hinata, who had the other arm in her bedroom.

"I have this wooden mixing spoon." Said Sakura, taking out the spoon. "Will that work?"

Sasuke sighed, took the spoon from Sakura, and jabbed it into his stump.

"Fight me." Said Pain.

"Close combat won't work." Said Sasuke. "We need a new tactic."

"I got one." Said Naruto. "Lets see how he likes my new technique, REGULARGUN!"

Naruto's robot hand turned into a machinegun and he fired hundreds of rounds into his body. Pain could have dodged but he was too busy trying to stop the bullets with the force, unfortunately that one How The Phantom Menace Should Have Went video he watched was bullshit and he couldn't stop bullets. Go back to the matrix Neo.

Pain collapsed next to Theres Another Bad Guy.

"What are ya gunna do now!?" Asked Naruto mockingly.

"This."

Pain took off Theres Another Bad Guy's afro and stuck it on his head. The hairpiece rapidly expanded into the form of a giant dragon monster that started kicking things.

"I AM ALL POWERFUL NOW!" Shouted Pain in a voice that wasn't Troy Baker's so it was okay to say more than one word at a time.

"Oh no Pain got big!" Said Hinata.

"And he's larger too!" Added Sakura.

"Don't worry, I'll have the demon fox that lives in my head take care of it." Said Naruto.

Naruto then coughed up a note.

On vacation, can't help.

Sincerely, the fox.

"Crap."

"How are we going to beat this thing?" Asked Sakura.

"I got an idea!" Said Naruto.

Naruto summoned a shit ton of shadow clones that arranged themselves to look like a giant Naruto, with the real one in the head.

"I'll help too!" Shouted Sasuke.

Sasuke conjured a giant samurai made of pure Uchiha angst and got into it.

"I'll help too!" Added Sakura. "As soon as I figure out how!"

Hinata merely drooled at the sight of the giant Naruto composite.

"So sugoi..."

Naruto and Sasuke fought Pain in a large scale battle, punching eachother and throwing kunai made of hair, angst, and shadow clones at eachother and causing further destruction.

Meanwhile at the Hyuuga residence Hiashi was watching the destruction from his porch, groaning as most of the village was destroyed.

Things were not going according to Keikaku.

Naruto punched Pain and Sasuke slashed him only for Pain to knock them back with ninja magic.

"Hes too strong for the two of us!" Said Sasuke. "We need help!"

"Don't worry Naruto, I'll help!"

Guy sensei wheeled in on a giant robotic wheelchair.

"If we combine our giant things we can have enough collective power to defeat Pain." Said Guy.

Suddenly a giant sandworm arose from the ground ridden by Shimmaru's group.

"My girlfriend and I wish to help." Said Shimamaru.

"You're dating a worm?" Asked Sasuke.

"I thought you were dating the lady from the sand village." Said Naruto.

"Its a polygamous relationship." Said Shikamaru.

"I'll help too!" Said Hinata. "With the power of love!"

Hinata loaded her mixtape into her boombox and began playing The Power Of Love.

"And my axe!" Added Gimley

"Alright lets do this!" Shouted Naruto.

Sasuke's angst mecha grabbed colone composite Naruto's hand, the wheelchair attached to their back, the worm coiled around one arm, Hinata threw her boom box into the mix, Sai who was there all along plugged his laptop in, Kiba who was passing by saw everyone else throwing things into the mix and wanted to join the hip crowd so he threw his dog into the fusion, and Sakura did nothing because she was useless. In a bright glow they were all transformed into a giant Naruto.

Not the character, the fishcake. It had arms and legs and a headband.

"Believe it!"

The Naruto charged a rasengun as Pain gulped.

"Shit."

"ULTIMATE RASENGUN!"

The Naruto hurled Its Rasengun, instantly destroying Pain in a very anticlimactic final showdown.

"We did it!" Said Guy semsei. "We saved the world!"

Everyone cheered and celebrated with Ramen, even the giant Naruto.

It was weird.

* * *

"And thats how I saved the world and became the fifth and a half Hokage." Said Guy, closing a book.

In front of him sat Boutaro and Himawari, both looked unamused.

"That was a load of crap." Said Boruto.

"I know it was..." Said Guy, looking dejected.

* * *

 **So yeah... Thanks for putting up with this. My knowledge of Naruto consists of the Last and Boruto movies, along with whatever I read on the wiki.**

 **Gotta actually watch this show sometime. Anyways, I hope you found some amusement in this story, and I'll see you next time.**

 **I think, depends on what I write next.**


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